The Sad Truth About Lil Wayne

As we all know, Tha Carter III is starting to look like the Chinese Democracy of rap albums. It was originally set to be released in December, but then the tracks leaked and Wayne decided to push back the album until June. But if you listen to the youtube of clips from the album and Lollipop, the lead single, you’ll realize that TCIII probably isn’t that great. Sure, it sounds good, and considering the dearth of signifigant rap albums we’ve had lately, you can expect Weezy to dominate the radio, Tv and blogs all summer. But III isn’t going to be anything approaching Stankonia, The Black Album, College Dropout or even the most recent Clipse release. That’s because for all of Lil Wayne’s charisma, star power and work ethic, he isn’t a very inventive or interesting lyricist. He’s good at projecting “I’m a totally badass, if not slightly crazy motherfucker” but not that good at expressing it.

With Jay-Z simply treading old ground, Kanye going pop, 50 turning shitty and TI getting into acting and going to jail, Wayne was able to dramatically up his profile by releasing more than 50 tracks in 2007. Because of the proliferation of mix tapes, internet only releases and remixes that could all be posted on hip-hop blogs, Wayne made the appearance of being everywhere at once and of dominating the game. But with a real album, people are going to expect some consistency and a remarkably high average level of quality, something that Wayne hasn’t really been able to deliver.

Tracing The (de)evolution of Vh1

It all started with The Simple Surreal Life. When Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen formed the strangest couple in recent memory, the Vh1 crewed decided to premiere Strange Love, a show that mostly followed the mutual jealousy of the two and their deteriorating relationship. But while Nielsen went off with her Italian beau, Flav still searched for love. And thus, Flavor of Love was born. But this show also bore strange fruit – namely the supremely strange fruit of New York, the incredibly loud and flamboyant woman who was the runner up on the first two seasons of Flavor. So Vh1 gave her a show as well, I Love New York. But some great honcho at Vh1figured that white people weren’t being embarassed enough by their network, so they decided to give washed up, bandanna wearing Poison frontman his very own program, Rock of Love.

Was that enough? Could they find more celebrities and pseudo-celebrities to have on their network? Yes, yes they could. As usual, the contestants on all these shows were way more entertaining than the main characters, and so they threw them all together in a Road Rules/Real World clone and give 250,000 dollars to the winner. The five minute trailer is here. The end of the world, incidentally enough, is also here.

The Best Summer Song, Bar None

Alyssa Rosenberg is older than me. So maybe that’s why she has fond memories of Will Smith’s “Summertime.” Sure, it’s a good enough track, and one that looks a whole lot better in comparison to his later works, but is it really the best song “about June, July and August?” Maybe this is California homerism, but Sublime’s version of George Gershwins’s Summertime is my favorite between-memorial-and-labor-day tribute:

Now here’s the real question, had Bradley Houser not succumbed to drugs, would Sublime have followed the career trajectory of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, or would they just be another forgotten 90s band, desperate to show up on Gossip Girl with Rufus Humphrey?

Coldplay Produces Big Ass Music, The Sun Freaks Out

It’s too easy to hate on Coldplay – they’re so earnest, Chris Martin is so transparently lame and it’s clear that they gave up on being diminished Radiohead and decided to become Mega Travis or Ultra Keane. Which, you know, is good for them, I respect their gangster. But the music has always been…meh.

But if Gordon Smart, The Sun’s music crtic is right, their new album is amazing. “The band have really pushed the boundaries of what we expect from an album, producing a beautiful, serious and sometimes testing 45-minute disc.” Uhh what?

I don’t want to cast aspersions on Mr. Smart, but isn’t it possible that the reason he was able to review the album first is because EMI knew he’d write such a sycophantic review? Just saying…

The album is called Viva La Vida, it’s going to drop on June 12th, and here’s a youtube of the song we’ve been hearing on those iPod commercials. Watch it now, it’s probably going to get copyright claimed by EMI really soon.

What Lil Wayne and TI Have Taught Me

Vince Young, who apparently was prepared to retire after his first season in the NFL, explained that he learned from the travails of other rich, young, black men to avoid the temptations that fame and wealth can bring:

“I have a stronger circle,” Young told the Web site. “Now I can handle this kind of stuff without it making me want to give up football. I learned that 24/7 I’m representing the Titans and, especially, the kids all over I am trying to influence. I look at my man Michael Vick. I learned from that. I look at Pacman [Jones]. I learned from that. I look at some troubles recently for rappers T.I. and Lil Wayne, guys I listen to. I learned from them. I’ve learned from my life.”

I understand what Vince Young learned from Michael Vick – don’t commit a crime that offends the sensibilities of the entire nation. But did he learn anything from Ray Lewis, who was involved in a fatal stabbing in an Atlanta club and got with a misdemeanor obstruction of justice, one year of probation and a 250K fine? I mean, Lewis did settle with the family of one of the victims for some 1 million dollars, and an undisclosed amount for another, but he’s still one of the most respected defensive players in the NFL. What did learn from Puff Daddy? After all, he was involved in the infamous night club shooting, hired Cochran and got Shyne to take ten years on weapons charges.

But he didn’t mention Puffy or Lewis, he talked about all the trouble Lil Wayne and TI have gotten themselves in. Young must have been referring to Wayne’s numerous run-ins with the law, including three arrests between July 2007 and January 2008 for drug possession and weapon possession. Of course, Lil Wayne hasn’t gone to jail or done anything more than post bail and pay some fines as a result of all these arrests and is perfectly able to delay the release of Tha Carter III without spending time in the Big House.

Hmm, so maybe Weezy isn’t the best example of a young, rich, thugged out black man who gets caught up in the law and whose career is ruined. TI might be a more convincing case. After all, he was caught trying to buy automatic weapons from a police snitch. Oh yeah, and he’s a convicted felon. Sounds pretty bad, like career ruining bad, right? Wrong.

Although he does have to serve 1,500 community service hours (that’s 62.5 days), pay 100,000 in fines, spend a year under house arrest and a year in the federal pen, we all know that he will be back soon enough. His career is hardly ruined, if anything, he’ll now have enough cred to produce cheezy, ubiquitous pop tunes like 50 Cent.

So was Vince Young trying to say that if you’re rich and famous, you don’t have to do time for killing people(allegedly), weapons possession or having drugs? And if you really get caught, you can pay a minuscule fine (most people get fines of 250K a count) and way less hard time (TI could have gotten ten years) than any normal person could ever expect in the same situation. But, hey, don’t do anything to dogs! It might ruin your career!

The New 90210

And here it is, the promotional trailer for the CW’s New 90210.

Don’t worry, there’s a lot more commentary coming on the CW’s new teen soap, but a few preliminary points.

1) As the Fug Girls point out over at The Cut, the CW is clearly trying to capitalize on the Gossip Girl buzz by moving it out to California. And while I fully support the proliferation of greatness, the fact that the CW people and the Fugs see 90210 as a GG inspired product, instead of a near carbon copy of The OC just shows how short our collective cultural memories have become. After all, what’s Gossip Girl if not The OC in New York? I hardly need to regale you with how many plot lines, and even some dialog, that they straight stole from their West Coast forebearers, but we all know GG’s lineage. But of course, the OC was nothing more than a 21st century 90210 (The Flaming Lips at the Peach PIt, Death Can at the Bait Shop), so maybe it’s all come full circle, or something like that.

2) Just as Bill Clinton was the first black president, so was Ryan Atwood the first black teen soap star. Sure, he was actually uber-caucasian, but as far as teen soaps, he was the “black guy.” By which I mean he was a poor, socially awkward outsider who is only able to live in a glitzy neighborhood because of the charity of some rich dude. And in a shockingly progressive move, 90210 has a black guy play this role. Now, is it better for race relations that the one black character on a teen soap is a poor, criminal outsider as opposed to just simply white washing out all ethnic diversity from the show?

3) Has any actress been typecasted faster than AnnaLynne McCord? She’s playing Naomi the (Jewish?) rich, evil, queen bee type. For those fans of Nip/Tuck, you’ll recognize her as Eden Lord, the sociopathic teen femme fatale who seduces Sean McNamara by asking him to reconstruct her hymen. She of course goes on to (spoilers) corrupt Sean’s daughter, get sent to rehab, poison and then shoot Sean’s wife. The 90210 trailer, however, just makes her seem rich, promiscuous and bitchy – not clinically insane – so maybe it will be something of a change.

4) I’m sorry, Lori Laughlin, but 90210 is hardly breaking new ground by making a hot mom with an interesting social life a major character. Lori, I watched Julie Cooper, I feel like I know Melinda Clarke, and you madam, are no Melinda Clarke.

5) This is going to be the best show on television for one reason and one reason only: JESSICA WALTER IS BACK!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Here’s the  trailer for the new David Fincher directed, Brad Pitt Oscar vehicle that all the Indiana Jones viewers got to see over the weekend.

Preliminary Thoughts

1) This not only looks good – aside from the inevitable “Fincher and Pitt Back Together” hype – it’s also pure Oscar bait. At least Brad Pitt will get his first nomination for this one.

1A) A little bit more on Oscar bait: this is a classic gimmick acting performance. We get to see Brad Pitt be old….and young! Like, really young. These types of make-up heavy performence generally tend to bring home the gold for women (Nicole Kidman in the Hours, Charlize Thereon in Monster, Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry and Million Dollar Baby), but there’s no reason the same formula shouldn’t work for a man as uneblievably gorgeous as Pitt*

2) Because it’s a movie in which Brad Pitt is the one megastar, it will not do well at the box office. Brad Pitt star vehicles tend not to bring in that much money, yet he’s still a huge deal.

*Brad Pitt being a gorgeous man is crucial for him getting the “Woah, he sure looked weird!” Oscar. When Adam Sandler got old and fat for Click, no one really cared.

Can Kanye Keep On Going With Tricks?

Let me put something out there: I love Kanye West. His music has provided a jolt to hip-hop as far as sampling and incorporating a wider range of stylistic influences and approaches, but his future development is going to be limited by the fact that he isn’t a very good rapper. Sure, his lyrics can be clever and funny, but he can’t deliver them well and has a tendency to force rhymes that aren’t very cohesive.

I’m afraid his new single, Flashing Lights, while very well produced, may be indicative of what West has to offer for the rest of his career.

So if West can’t actually rap that well, will he ever just go back to being a producer? Or maybe a producer/occasional guest on his songs like Timbaland? As with most West-analysis, it all comes down to his ego. West, of course, already was a phenomenally sucessful producer, but he wanted to be a rapping superstar. I guess the best we can hope for is that more and more of his material is like “Stronger” – very chorus and production heavy with little emphasis on the quality of the flow or what he’s actually saying in the rhymes.

Since When Did Lance Armstrong Become Such A Player?

One of the weird things about Lance Armstrong, America’s Superhero™, is that while most just see him as this infalliable, brave and inspirational survivor of cancer and indomitable competitor, he’s also in incredibly competitive to the point of assholishness. I mean asshole in the best way. If you read his memoir, It’s Not About The Bike, you get a portrait of someone who not only has an incredibly strong will, but is insanely competitive. This isn’t surprising, nice guys don’t win the Tour seven consecutive times. And I don’t begrudge Lance being brusk or super competitive, it’s not his fault that he isn’t the image of moral perfection that America has demanded of him.

But we should still look at his personal life with a rather wary, and perhaps judgmental, eye. In his memoir, his wife Kristin, appears to be a saint. Not only does she marry Lance after his cancer has metasized, she also has three kids using his banked sperm. And then they divorced in 2003. Of course, he started dating Sheryl Crow in extreme close proximity to his breaking up with Kristin. They were engaged and then broke it off in 2005. And who can forget, in late 2007, Lance dating the 21 year old Ashley Olsen (he was 37). And now, according to People, there’s something with him and Kate Hudson. Oh yeah, and in early 2007, he had a fairly serious relationship end with designer Tory Burch. That’s not an unimpressive track record, even for an incredibly famous athlete. I guess the question becomes, when will the rest of America start treating Armstrong like just another celebrity, as all the gossip outlets already do?

What Is Happening To Our 90s Superstars?

First it was Mariah Carey tying the knot (no pre-nup!) with Nick Cannon, who’s hilarious. Why was Carey, with her bazillion octave range and 250 million dollar net worth marrying the star of Wild and Out? With no pre-nup? Because back when I was a wee lad, Mariah was the shit. In fact, Columbia records said she was the most successful artist of the 90s. Sure, Cannon is better than ex Tommy Mottola, but still, Nick Cannon?

And is the second most sucessful artist of the 90s, Alanis, god herself, doing much better in the romance department? Well, she is now, since she dumped Ryan Reynolds lame ass. So what was Alanis, who sold more than ten million copies of Jagged Little Pill, doing dating the Van Wilder? Well, according to Gawker, she told an audience that she doesn’t even remember his name anymore! Good for her.

I must, however, respect Ryan Reynolds gangster: he is engaged to Scarlett Johansson. Who knew that playing alongside Jessica Biel and a cultist tax evader in Blade III could return such great dividends? Good for him.

For the authoritative Mariah Cary-Nick Cannon rundown, check out Erik’s of Too Old For Maxim, Too Young For Esquire.